welcome to sudo's mind!
october 21st 2024
hihi i added a few more little easter eggs around the site today. i guess that's kept me a little occupied for an hour or 2
i've not been feeling good for the past few days so sorry about that everyone. but i made a discord for you all! you should join it: https://discord.gg/Q3h5GxDhtH
i'm not sure what we'll be doing there, but i'll be answering the anonymous questions there, and also we'll probably just talk a lottt
october 16th 2024
change log:
- added lain
- added more lain
- added a little more lain
- let's all love lain
october 13th 2024
i've written a little python script to make posting on my site a little easier!
i found myself struggling to post here since i have to manually write the formatting html each time and stuff and it's painnnnful. so i wrote this little program that im typing into now, then it automatically formats all the html for me, so all i have to do is paste it into the site rather than manually write it all out everytime
hopefully this means i have a little more motivation to post here more! also, i will at some point be doing some little things here but, ive been verrrry busy with stuff! i also want some cool inspiration for some pages maybe, but i'll get that with time i suppose
i've been feeling quite weird lately, my mood has been all over the place, up and down constantly, but i'm sure i'll make it through again, i always do. hopefully this kind of stuff can take my mind off things a little and make me feel better on the daily.
anyway, thank you for reading!!!! hopefully i'll be here a little more from now on. ooo oo the program even writes the date for me and stufff!!!! very cool and silly, i'll upgrade it with a ui and stuff at some point but for now i just wanted a quick working solution.
october 6th 2024
hi, i'm just doing a quick update post on stuff because a lot has happened since the last one. i've moved into university now. i'm not sure how i feel about it. my room is nice i guess, i feel at home but, i'm not sure i've done what i wanted to with getting to be a more sociable person. things were going well at first, but recently i feel like i've made myself look stupid, and i feel horrible about myself. i really don't like myself much, and this is making me feel worse about it.
the doctor spoke to me after my blood tests. he said i have gilbert's syndrome, which, isn't much, but it doesn't have any treatment or cure so, he just left me. he told me i don't need help and that everything is fine. i feel like this has ruined everything. all the mental stuff i was preparing and building myself up to say, i didnt have the chance. ive been left and abandoned by the doctor. i dont know what to do
i feel so alone, i feel like, i dont even know. i just want to cry. i just want to stay in my room for weeks and weeks and cry.
i've been procrastinating working on the website. but maybe i'll add some bits here and there eventually, i dont know.
september 8th 2024
i dont know what im doing anymore, everything just seems like its pointless, useless, and usually just ends up in sadness :(
part of me likes to hold onto hope and think that one day everything will be okay, but the other part of me, which is usually the part of me that ends up winning, just really, really doesn't care. i can't socialise properly or meet new people without poisoning my body with alcohol, and when i do that i end up saying too much, or waking up the next morning regretting ever deciding to go out because i feel i've made myself look stupid to everyone
i really do feel bad every time i drink, but it's the only thing that can loosen me up a little and stop my thoughts until morning, but every time i do it, it makes me feel worse. what do i even do in that situation? i just want to be happy and live a successful life i suppose, but doing that when my mind is so scrambled, so confused always, so clouded is literally impossible. i try to ask for help from a doctor, but oh no, he's too interested in the blood test results rather than how i'm feeling on a daily basis. as long as im happy, i don't really care how my body is doing to be honest. i wish he would focus on the things i feel matter as well. i can't even describe how it feels to be trapped inside my own mind, wanting it to change, and wanting to be able to think normal thoughts and do normal things, and my only hope, a medical professional, hasn't done anything for me for months. what do i even do? there's nothing else i can do.
i feel lonely. i feel like nobody truly understands how i feel. i'm scared to tell my friends, embarrased to tell my family, and too nervous to describe it to a doctor. as much as i'd like to say it all here, i can't even do that because i don't want anyone to feel worried for me or anything like that, and i don't want to pollute people's twitter feeds, or their mind, with the things i think and do because it isn't fair. i used to do that a while ago. that's why i made this account, that's why i made sudo. being sudo is comfortable, i feel like i can say a lot more than i do in real life, because if anyone judges me, it can't haunt me in real life, they can't tell my family and make it all impossible for me. but now i've met a lot of you all, and i see you all as my friends, probably some of my closest ones at that, and i kind of feel the same guilt as i do for real life friends, so i don't like to rant too much.
i wish i could think things through. i wish i didn't have to do stupid things that are going to affect my life further down the line because i made a stupid decision in a brief couple of minutes. i can't even decide what i want to do. nothing seems realistic anymore, no good outcome, no success, none of it seems like it could realistically happen anymore. i just want to cry. al i want to do is lay down and cry, and not worry about anything else. but i can't do that. i'm starting university in under a week. i'm going to be living on my own. i can hardly cook, i can't meet new friends, i'll have to motivate and focus myself to do work, and then i'll leave with a huge amount of debt, and probably more lost than i was when i started. if i'm honest, a degree feels like it will be useless to me. i'm only really doing it because i don't want to go into the real world yet. i'm not ready. but in 4 years time i won't have a choice and that's terrifying. it seems like another unrealistic outcome that i will even finish university.
anyway, i'm sorry for my rant, i hope too many people don't read this because it's all quite embarrassing. i wish i could tell you more about how i really feel but, i can't bring myself to do that unless you manage to guess it first.
august 25th 2024
learning to hack is a super daughnting process. i dont even know where to begin! there's no clear path or way to learn because of how much there is which makes it really hard for me.
i had a look on hackerone though which is a site where you can legally look for bugs and exploits in real websites, and i found a page where you can look through released exploits that were sucessfully found, paid, and fixed, and i saw some really cool stuff that made it seems a little less impossible.
i saw one for a mobile phone carrier's website, where you can log in using your phone number, then a confirmation code is texted to the number to log in. the guy typed in a phone number, then intercepted the http packet before it sent the code, then decrypted it (which is the only part i was a little confused on, he just hit the decrypt button in burp suite which i dont get how that works or why it needed to be done), but then he just edited the http packet which had the raw phone number to send the code, and changed the phone number to his as well, which then actually send the confirmation code to his phone number, which he could then use to log into the account of the other.
he was literally able to take over any phone number with an entire service provider in a few seconds, and did it in a way that i pretty much completely understand, and thought, i could have maybe figured that out myself. but the problem is, even if i see these things and understand them and think i could have worked it out, i still struggle to think of these things on my own, which i guess is the hard part.
things like that though, professional exploits that aren't even complicated, just simple things, make me think that i could at least have a chance at finding something like that myself, so i guess i'll keep on trying!
august 22nd 2024
hii, very late update but i somehow managed to get into university. i didn't get the grades i needed, and i did worse than i expected, but for some reason they accepted me anyway, which i feel a little bad about but oh well!
so i'm moving in on friday the 13th (very scary), and i managed to get some really nice accommodation in the uni which is a 4 minute walk from my department too. i'm studying an engeneering masters degree in computer science for 4 years so hopefully its fun and makes me feel a little better who knows
sorry i havent updated the site much! it would be nice to find a way to update blog posts easier without having to manually edit and re upload the html file each time hehe but i think neocities is fairly difficult to do it any other way without an external app. anyway bye bye for now
august 5th 2024 (part 2)
wow, it's been over a month since i updated anything here. i've been feeling kinda down lately (nothing new there hehe) so i haven't felt like doing much.
since i last posted though, i have sorted out some doctor stuff, which i'm hoping will help me with how i'm feeling. i told the doctor i'm feeling tired all the time and have random headaches a lot, but i haven't really mentioned how i feel, but i think right now on my medical record it says major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder are possible. but i had a blood test today, so depending on if anything is found there will depend on how it goes i guess.
anyway, i think i might add a few new things to the site soon, but i'll see :)
july 1st 2024 (part 2)
i'm okie for now! sorry i had a little bit of a brain malfunction earlier but we're back. <3
july 1st 2024
please don't read this if you don't want to be put in a bad mood. i'm sorry for posting here and on twitter constantly about how i feel, but it's so bad. as much as everyone tells me it's okay, and just be myself and say what i want to, it's not. it's not okay. i understand that what i post is negatively affecting others, and nobody wants to read it. i have hard evidence for this now. i dont want to keep posting like this, but it's a vicious cycle. i do it because i just can't keep these feelings in, it's too hard. but then i post and people get upset and i kill friendships and so much more and it makes me feel horrible. it makes me feel so bad which makes me post more of it to get it out. i feel terrible for everyone who has to read what i post, and i'm really sorry for it, but it's so hard. it's so, so hard and i still haven't told anyone just how bad it is, not only because i'm scared to, but also because i don't think it's something that can be put into words. i'm just a ticking time bomb every single day. it takes so, so much for me to feel a shred of happiness, but a single thing for it all to come crashing down and stay that way for days on end. i really want help. i'm so sorry to everyone who tries to help me on a daily basis because i just can't take your advice. i can't talk to my parents or anyone about it because i dont want to worry them and i hate the idea of being that open with them, i don't know why. i really want to go and see a doctor or something but if i go then my parents will find out and be even more worried than if i'd have just told them. i know how hypocritial i am to say i don't want to worry anyone, but then continue to worry people i care about day after day. it's just so hard. i just can't keep these feelings to myself because i do bad things when i do and suffering through all this alone is so painful. it's so, so painful. if you ask me what i'm even worried about, or why i feel so down, i probably couldn't even give you an answer. i originally thought it was stress from school and tests and that it would go away, but it's got worse. i wake up every single day with no energy, tired after 12+ hours of sleep, i don't get anything done most days, i can't even watch anime for more than 30 minutes or so in a day before i just feel like going to sleep again. i can't sleep though or my family will notice and question me. i dont know if there is a single thing i consistently enjoy anymore. so i sit in my bed trying to be happy by talking to you all on twitter, then i get set off by 1 tiny thing, and i can't post anything positive after it, i can't bring myself to put on a fake happy act for long at all and i end up posting all this negative stuff. then i lose followers who i love so much and it makes me feel worse, then i lose more, and i feel worse, and i post all this stuff i just can't. the best thing for me to do is to stop posting when i'm feeling down, but then i'm alone again, and i don't think i will ever be happy and i dont just want to disappear and not post anything every again. i love all of you so much and i really want to keep interacting with everyone, but it's so horrible, so cruel that i can't feel good, i can't interact and talk to you all about nice positive, happy things often. even when i can, it lasts a few hours at best before i end up dropping how i feel again and again and again. i'm so, so sorry to all of you. i really am. i'm being so selfish through all of this, and i really don't deserve to have you all. but i can't do this alone, but i also hate dragging you all into this. i can't explain how it feels, but i'm genuinely not sure if it's possible to ever feel worse than this. the occasional ups in my mood just make the downs so, so much more painful. to watch everyone worry about me when all i want to do is be happy with everyone else is so painful. i don't know why you read this. i just wanted to write down how i feel a little.
june 29th 2024
hi. i caught up to the oshi no ko manga the other day and it's good! i've been really down and demotivated though still. i really want to maybe go to a doctor or something and see if they can maybe tell me why brain go silly mode and i always feel sad and stuff but i'm too scared. dont want family finding out anything like that because i'm embarrassed and dont want them to worry either. anyway yeah uhhhhhh i really want all this to stop! i did get tons of sleep yesterday though. i still woke up lots in the night but i think i slept about 12 or 13 hours total (i'm a big sleeper). i think i'm going to sleep in tomorrow again if i can. i'm always soooooo tired.
i'm going on vacation soon though, after my school prom. i'm going to drink so much at prom hehe! anyway i'm honestly not looking forward to vacation much for quite a few reasons aaaaa. anyway sorry for rambling sillies i love you <3
june 24th 2024
mmmmmm i feel worse, probably worse than before somehow. i should definitely be feeling relaxed and happy now but im just... not. it's really weird. anyway, not sure i'll be posting many updates here unless something cool happens. i am going on vacation on a cruise for 2 weeks soon though, but i wont have internet for a lot of it which wont be good :(
june 21st 2024
i'm free!!! i've finished all my tests, now i just need to wait until august for the results. i hope i get into university but i'm not very confident. hopefully i'll start feeling a little better now i have nothing to worry about really, but we'll see
june 17th 2024
need help with brain. it go crazy and it get crazier and it thinks more things every day it's very silly. would be nice to do to the doctors or something because it doesssssnt feel normal at all but i'm too scared hehe
june 16th 2024
hiiii! i feel okay right now because i have wine :) normally i have so many thoughts that i cant think properly and i get verrrry sad easily but drinking even a little kinda takes my mind off everything and makes me feel much better for a couple of hours! it would be nice to feel like that all the time actually but i know drinking lots probably isn't the best for me hehe. it would be nice if there was another way to feel nice
june 15th 2024
hiii i didn't post anything here yesterday, i've been really stressed!
i'm still going!! just about! not sure if or when things will get better buttttttt hm i'll figure it out maybe. i've been reading a lot of oshi no ko recently and it inspired me a little, but i imagine all that inspiration will get crushed pretty quickly haha
also thank you for 60 visitors! i'm glad you're here in my mind!
june 13th 2024
i just feel constantly on the verge of crying allllll the time. nobody at all knows how bad i actually feel because i haven't told anyone. everything's so hard, especially trying to constantly keep up a cheerful sort of mask in a way so that people will still enjoy talking to me
i don't think i'd ever tell anyone the extent of most of it unless they kinda figure it out and ask.
june 12th 2024
i went to get a haircut today, then i wrote a little code to help me download manga onto my phone to read.
i still don't feel good but it's okay! i'm trying to stay positive on twitter as much as i can. i hope i feel better soon but i'll see
june 11th 2024
i'm going to do happy tweets on twitter, so i guess i'll keep my actual mood updated on here so people don't get bothered with it. if you're interested though then check here every now and then.
june 10th 2024
i can't explain how much i hate everything. i try to relax but my mind has too many thoughts going through it. i can't think. people speaking to me in person is starting to agitate me and make me want to cry. i just want to be left alone. this has been going on for way too long and i don't want it to carry on any longer. everything is too much. i don't think most people have to put up with thinking in the way i do. i'm sure most people don't. they can't. everything just makes me want to cry and go to sleep, but i can't. i can't even sleep properly when i try.
june 9th 2024
i have a computer science test tomorrow which i need an A in to get into university. i have over 300 lines of code and a few files to analyse as part of preparation, and i don't have much time to do it.
i shouldn't have left it until the last second again, but i can't help it, i don't think my brain is working properly.
yesterday i added a new button on the left of the page which will open a new tab with some random music i like. mode of it is really chaotic vocaloid or j pop so you probably won't like it, but it's there if you want it
june 8th 2024
i stayed up very late last night, i was working on making the site not break on mobile for about 2 hours. it took me so long to figure out how to make it scale properly, and it's still not great, but it's way better than it was.
i don't feel great today still, but i managed to study a little today for my next test, which i need an A in, but i want an A+
june 6th 2024
my test went quite badly today. i don't know if i'll be getting into university.
anyway, i added a the sudo dictionary, which is a random assortment of things i say, and what they mean.
you can use this as a reference when reading my tweets or talking to me on discord. it might help decode some of what i say a little in case anyone in confused sometimes.
i don't know if you can tell from the sudo dictionary, but i'm getting a little more comfy with using html, so hopefully i'll get better and better at adding new stuff to the site
june 5th 2024
i have a LOT of studying to do today, and i don't feel too good, so i don't think i'll be doing much to the site. maybe later if i feel like i've done more than enough studying.
i want to add a music page with my favorite songs on, and also a mood status indicator which i saw on another site which i liked.
also i forgot to mention yesterday but i changed the cursor on the site to have mewo from omori next to it! i hope you like it
june 4th 2024
THE EMI SHRINE IS UP!!
you can use the buttons on the right, or click here to get to it
i haven't done much on it, but i'll be adding to it as i go! i'll be putting some of my favorite pictures of emilia there, as well as some of the reasons i like her!
i eventually figured out how to embed multiple files into this little middle window and you can change them with the menu on the right :) i want to add some nice graphics to the left and right side bars still, but i'm not a very creative person. maybe i'll learn one day hehe
june 3rd 2024
hi! welcome to sudo's mind, the site is up! :)
i've never used html much before, so i spent a few hours learning so i could make this! i deliberetely made it very silly and early 2000's like since i like the feel of them. i haven't done a very good job of it, but here it is anyway
i'm going to use this as a place to put my links rather than a generic links page like linktree or something. i thought it would be fun to add my own unique twist onto it and make something i can add to in the future!
i hope you like the feeling of the site, anddddd if you think i should add anything, even if it's very silly, then @ me on twitter, @heyimsudo
ooo also if you want to talk to me a little more then feel free to add me on discord!! it's @heyimsudo :)
another little touch is the font in the title was made by me!! i made some nice looking hand-written letters because i like the look of hand-written fonts. it's a little wonkey though